Monday, September 13, 2010

a more personal basis.

i am one who shares her life story with anyone. it doesn't take much for me to open up and really share what i am feeling. i can't hide my emotions at all and i cry frequently. i attach to people. i don't like to play silly games when it comes to relationships. i would rather you tell me how it is, instead of beat around the bush. i do not know how to say no to people. and i have severe anixety...

when i was in fifth grade i was put on an anti-depressent. it started with nightly panic attacks. i couldn't sleep in my own room. for nine months i slept on the floor in my sisters room. i had an abnormal fear that i would be kidnapped.

for a long time it was stable. i took my medication in the morning and was fine throughout the day. but as i began to grow older, it seems as if my anixety grew too. little things would start to get to me and i wouldn't know how to handle it. new situations and change made me queezy. situations that i couldn't control were hard for me. i had little self esteem and often found myself uncomfortable.

the peak of my anixety was a year ago. when i lost myself. anixety wasn't part of me, i was part of anixety. i was emotional 24/7 and i was selfish. i wanted things to be my way and perfect again. when my parents suggested i see a pyschologist i freaked. i didn't want to be the crazy girl with a pyschologist. i was embarrassed and didn't tell many people about it.

only now do i feel comfortable sharing that for 8 months, once a month i went to a pyschologist. he listened and i talked. something that i am good at. i began to find myself, the girl i used to be, the girl i once knew. it took alot of learning and getting to know myself again.

today, i can say that i know who i am. i am annie lawrence. a girl with many strengths and weaknesses. my self esteem has never been higher and i can honestly say that i think i am beautiful. i walk with confidence and i believe that everyday i am a little bit more comfortable. i am a member of the church of jesus christ of later day saints and i will never take that for granted. my testimony is what keeps me moving forward. happiness is something i strive for everyday. my anixety is still present in my life and always will. it runs in my family. but i know how to handle it. i am not ashamed, heck i think it adds character to who i am.

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