Wednesday, October 13, 2010

lifes changed.

dear boy,

do you remember that day? its imprinted in my mind. my heart has never been so full of emotion as it did that day. i kept my cool until those final moments. as you pulled up my street and into my driveway, i was scared. i knew what was coming next. when i said "see you later" the tears started, but they were bareable. you'd seen me cry like this before, and i held most of them back. but as i left your car and walked into my house, carrying every ounce of sorrow, i had to force myself to pick my feet up. i wanted so badly to stay in that car forever. i wanted time to freeze. when i was in the clear, and i knew you couldn't see me, i collapsed at the door and let the tears fall. breathing wasn't an option and i had to fight for air. i became stable and forced myself to move to my bed, i put on that hoodie you gave me and cried. i tried to fall asleep, relax a little bit but my mind kept replaying our last moments together. i wanted to savor all that i could. you don't know this, but i took mental notes of our last conversation. of the words we exchanged and that last hug. it felt like our first hug. you held me so tight and whispered into my ear i could feel my heart melt. i didn't want to believe it was a goodbye, there was a part of me that said i would see you just one more time. but reality came around quickly and i knew that was it for the time being.

that day was almost a year ago. october 27, 2009. that is 365 days, 52 weeks, 12 months. one year since i have seen you and had a real conversation with you. one year since i have seen you smile and laugh at my sarcasm. one year since i hugged you and felt you close to me. one year since i looked into those eyes and saw who you were. one year since i have heard your voice. its been one year since i have been in your presence.

sometimes, i can't belive it has been a year, i ask myself "where did the days go" and others it feels like a lifetime. life changes in a year. from small to big i have experienced changes that you haven't been here for. i've grown up a year. i've had to start planning my future instead of just dreaming of it. my testimony has sky rocketed and i long for the day i can express in words to you how much i love this gospel. but there are things that haven't changed, i am still the same quirky girl you fell in love with, and i am still the same girl who gave you her heart. i know you have changed as well. i can see it in the letters you write me. sometimes i get scared for the day we reunite because things will be different. and i am worried they will be so different, all that we have been through won't matter anymore. that is another thing that hasn't changed. we have a strong relationship, we have a special relationship that i will never be able to describe, and i never want that to fade.

for now, happy one year, and good luck on your last year. i'll be here waiting for you.

all my love,


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