Thursday, December 22, 2011

closure.

i can't promise this will be the last, he was a large part of my life for three years. i doodled his name in my notebooks and i hung pictures around my room. i thought about him often. i pictured my future with this boy and i could see our happily ever after.

"sometimes even when two people seem right for each other their lives just take different paths." our lives are taking different paths. 

i've been asked countless times on if i feel like i just wasted two years of my life, all that waiting for nothing, if i regret it all. i do not. not one feeling of regret or time wasted. these two years will be something i will never forget. the experiences i shared with this boy are things that i will cherish forever. our relationship was just what i needed in my life at that moment. did i know there was a chance it might not work out? absolutely, but i didn't let that thought get in the way. it wasn't relevant at the time. i wanted it to work out with every fiber of my being, but you can't fight the inevitable. he taught me about the importance of communicating in relationships and how to be 100% honest in one. he taught me about the gospel and shared his testimony with me in each and every letter. he taught me about myself. all things i could only learn from him. i will probably never have the opportunity to have a missionary again, nor do i want one. for multiple reasons. what we had was unique and so special to me that i want it to stay that way. plus twenty four months is a long freaking time. he will always be that boy i quote unquote waited for and i am thankful for that. he made me laugh and my bad days go away. he knew my every smile, laugh and look i have. he knew when i needed him most and when i needed my best friend. he was my first boyfriend and will always hold that place in my heart. 

a part of me is writing this in hopes that he will see it. i wish him all the happiness in the world. i truly hope he finds a girl that makes him happy and loves him more than i ever did. though, he will never find an annie, that's okay, because there is a boy waiting for an annie. the Lord knows what He is doing, i have complete and utter faith in Him. He knew when our time was up and though it is hard, i am at peace with the way things have turned out. when the time is right, that boy will come and sweep me off my feet and we will know that we belong together. but, that time is not right now. "I'm cookie dough. I'm not done baking. I'm not finished becoming who ever the hell it is I'm gonna turn out to be. I make it through this, and the next thing, and the next thing, and maybe one day, I turn around and realize I'm ready. I'm cookies. And then, you know, if I want someone to eat m- or enjoy warm, delicious, cookie me, then that's fine. That'll be then. When I'm done."

it's been hard and i feel empty most days, but that is to be expected when you loose something you love. but like i've said, it's time. as i say goodbye to this chapter of my life, i look at it as being a rewarding one. i don't look at it with negative feelings, only with the feeling of i was lucky to have it. 

to all those who have expressed concern by sending countless texts and phone calls, i appreciate it. i am doing  good. with the help of the Lord, this pain too shall pass. and until than, i will lean on my faith more so than usual. 


1 comment:

  1. Hi Annie! I don't know you, but somehow I came across your blog. It has been interesting following this turn of events. I too have a really good friend who is on a mission. It's hard to know what the future holds...and I wonder if I am creating a exaggerated relationship. Reading this made me think if this could be me when he returns. I love to see your view that even though the way things turned out that your time and energy spent on the boy during those two years was not useless. So thank you for your example of hope and your perseverance. Your post are helpful! You can do this! You are adorable. There is some lucky guy out there for you!

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