i made a fool of myself yet again today. i expected things to go in the opposite direction of what happened. i opened up just a little bit more only to close my self off again. i thought maybe today would be different, i felt like it would be. it wasn't.
i watched 500 days of summer over the weekend (such a bad idea, i cried.). i marveled at the similarities. maybe i was looking for them, i don't know, but they were there. tom hansen and i are very similar. i believe with all that i am that love exists. i'm the one who likes to have the DTR and commitment. i can't just go with the flow, i need to know where the relationship is going.
often i find myself trusting too easily, until recently. i get so damn (pardon my french, i'm working on it) scared to let any person near me. for the one person i fell in love with left me alone. i have never in my life been so quiet about my personal life. i used to run up and down the sidewalk screaming my story to anyone who would listen. i didn't care. i don't do that these days. i am trying my hardest to fill his void in my life, but there are some days the emotion is so over bearing i just can't. i think back to my sophomore year, when it was new and nothing in the world could go wrong. i live in these memories when it's just too hard to bare. it's probably not the best idea, but it keeps me from crying- that happens a lot more these days. denial is long gone. part of the grieving process right? i'm getting there.
just for one day, i wish to know what he was feeling. does he go about his day as if nothing ever happened? does he sit and think about me when he has a moment of down time? does he hear a song that reminds him of me? does he miss me, even just the slightest bit? i just want some answers. the unspoken and unanswered is heart wrenching.
i guess i just don't know what to do next. i'm ultra confused. i'm slowly meeting new people. one lad in my new singles ward is nice to look at, not all that bad to talk to either, but i'm pretty sure he didn't leave the room thinking to himself oh she's lovely lets date. (only girls do that) i've forgotten how to even catch a gents attention. three years in one off and on again relationship will do that to you. who even knows? i don't. it would be easier to just forget the last month and go back to where we were and there are days i want that more than anything, i would do anything for that. but it's not supposed to be that way and i have accepted that, or at least i am trying to. i still don't fully understand why it happened. i don't know what the lesson to be learned or reason but i'm trying to go forth with faith. and there are days that i choose not to accept that and just miss him and his smile and presence and his laugh.
break ups are awful. some days are better than others. there have been one too many hard though lately. i just don't want to be in the middle of this anymore. i hope it ends soon, moving on can be exhausting. i'm exhausted.