Thursday, May 31, 2012

never as planned.

my life is no where near i expected it to be six months ago. honestly, i thought i would have a ring on my finger and a wedding in the close future. i thought i had found the boy of my dreams. i was completely and utterly in love that my world revolved solely on this thought that my happily ever after was just around the corner. i thought i wouldn't have to date anymore. i planned my life around being a wife at the age of 19. i bought bridal magazines, i saved picture after picture on what i wanted my dress to look like. i stalked photography blogs constantly to find the one i wanted. it was all so close yet so far away. 

and then my heart was broken. it was the worst pain i have ever known in my life. it sucked the life right out of me and i physically could not breathe. my world was turned upside down and inside out. i didn't know which way was up and which way was down. i didn't think i would ever be okay. i was determined that i would feel this hurt every single day for the rest of my life. i prayed for it to go away. i prayed to forget it all. as if we never  happened. everything around me reminded me of him and it was hard to forget. it occupied my every thought that i was suddenly alone. 

i don't know when and i don't know how but suddenly, i wasn't feeling the sting of the pain as frequently. first it was a day without crying and then it was a week turning into two. i finally felt peace and assurance that i annie lawrence would be okay. that this wasn't going to defeat me anymore. that this trail wasn't going to break me. i knew that i was strong. for days, i played sara evans a little bit stronger song over and over. i put a smile on my face and before i knew it, it wasn't a fake smile.

today, i am me. for the first time in such a long time i am honestly and truly happy. i look at my life and i can say that i am grateful i am not engaged and planning a wedding. i'm not ready to be a wife. i'm only learning how to take care of myself. and after planning my life around the thought of being a wife at 19 for nearly four years, i don't know what i want to now. but i have never loved the unknown so much. i love waking up in the morning with a billion options at the palm of my hand. it's a time for me to be selfish and selfish i am going to be.

as i've said goodbye to this part of my past, i've realized i will never be able to just forget we ever happened. we did. some of my greatest memories are found with him by my side and i will forever be grateful for the opportunity i had to be in love at a young age. he taught me more about myself than i would have ever learned on my own. but now we are just that, a memory. it's been on of the hardest things i have ever had to do in my entire life. i never thought i would be here, but i am and it's okay. without my heavenly father and my family i wouldn't have been able to get through this. turns out the hardest thing i've ever had to do is also one of the greatest blessings in my entire life. funny how that happens isn't it? 

6 comments:

  1. I love what you wrote. Life's trials are usually hard to understand, but they all happen for a reason. I know you don't know me, but I have been stalking your blog for a while, and I admire your courage, and am happy that you are getting through this hard time. I hope things keep continuing to look up for you!

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  2. Oooo I love this post. Love you nanza.

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  3. This is amazing. Words right out of my mouth. You are incredible.

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  4. lovely. the best part, i could hear you say every single word of this. i miss you!

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