Tuesday, August 14, 2012

realization.

"break ups are easy, it's having to see them date someone else that's hard"
-blair waldorf

for the most part, i highly agree with ms. blair. above all other things that were said and done in the not really recent breakup of mine seeing him date another girl made me want to crawl in a whole and die. the thought that he could be happy with someone other than me sat in the back of my mind even when i tried to force it out. it irritated me. it's even especially great when he kisses you two weeks prior to finding out about the new girl. i put on a brave face though because i wasn't going to let him get to me. i told myself everyday, multiple times a day that i, annie lawrence would be okay. and you know what? those little words of encouragement worked. 

because here and now, i know i deserve so much better. the best moments in my life came with a price. lies, games and heartache, and that is not how it should be. relationships are hard, but mine was a constant emotional roller-coaster. and while i was in the relationship i didn't realize how screwed up it was. my self esteem was shot down to the lowest possible level. i questioned myself as a person asking why did this happen to me? why didn't he see me for who i was and all that i did for him. what did i do wrong? why is he the one that gets to be happy after all the hell he caused me? i was left to morn a broken relationship while he celebrated it. and then i stopped and realized that he didn't deserve anymore of my time or thoughts. i knew that i needed to pull myself together and be okay single before i could ever be okay in another relationship. and it's something i work on everyday. 

perhaps i sound a little bitter and perhaps some days i am. i've come to realize it's a gradual process, not one that happens over night. i'm grateful for the learning process. i'm grateful for my family helping me through. i'm grateful for the lord comforting me on my darkest days. i'm grateful for the hard emotional roller coaster relationship because now i know what i don't want in a man. i had so much respect and looked so highly of him for so long. i put him on a pedal stool and he lost all of that for hurting me one too many times.

remember when i posted this?  i took all of the advice given and added a little of my own. i left him a little package on his front porch. i shredded random paper stuff and threw away the useless. i condensed to the absolute necessary. as if it is necessary but a part of me isn't ready to burn the letters..yet. maybe when i do you will all be invited. 

it's a constant fight. and i believe it will be for some time more. but i'm getting there and that is all that matters. that i continue to make these steps in the right direction. i hate t-swift but boy oh boy her new single, we are never ever getting back together is the perfect theme song for me these days. have a listen if you haven't already. 

2 comments:

  1. I'm listening to that while I'm reading/writing this. HA!

    ReplyDelete
  2. im so sorry:/ i know how it feels. break ups are seriously the worst. but soon enough it will stop hurting. i promise

    ReplyDelete

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