i was happy and content. i went to work, i went to school two days a week, i went to the gym. i stuck to my daily routine. i hadn't cried in months. i finally felt like ME again. not the girl i longed to be or the girl that couldn't move on with her life. i was me. and damn it felt so good.
and then i made one step more, i decided to become vulnerable again. you often hear of people saying that after a heartbreak they become closed off and/or guarded. i never really believed that. i believed it was just the individuals personality. and more importantly it would never happen to me. it wasn't in my nature to be closed off. it wasn't in my nature to keep things to myself. it wasn't in my nature to be afraid of batting my eyelashes and flirting and here i am, afraid.
at first i was thrilled that i had opened up to someone new. it was a feeling i hadn't felt in years really. i liked it. anticipating that first text everyday was more than enough excitement to get me through the early mornings of work. i looked forward to the moments i would see him and we would spend hours bantering back and forth. i had butterflies the first time he asked me to hang out and we were awkward as all get out but we laughed about it later. we would talk into all hours of the night about everything. then a moment came that changed everything. i was trying to fall asleep letting my mind wonder a million miles an hour, i ended up thinking about my past and how hard it was to recover from and i panicked and created a whole new fear.
you see, i have this fear that if i let myself feel remotely close to what i felt a year ago that it will all be a lie. i don't want to be broken again. especially after feeling like a whole person. i have realized i am becoming more closed off as the days go by. i relay more on the comfortable then the new because of the fear i have of getting hurt. it's almost like i stop all feelings before they approach the surface. which is a completely new attribute in my personality.
it's something i am trying to let go of, but every now and again i get really scared of investing too much of myself in something. it's just a feeling that won't go away anytime soon and i think i have to learn to trust people again before it does. i'm working on it. like i've said for a long time, it's a gradual process that never really ends.